


what am i doing hangin' 'round?

by mthslh



Category: The Americans (TV 2013)
Genre: Angst, Denial of Feelings, Internal Conflict, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, alludes 2 sex, but before The Martha Stuff, spoilers thru season 4
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-25
Updated: 2020-08-25
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:14:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26095432
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mthslh/pseuds/mthslh
Summary: Stan tells himself he doesn't want Oleg.
Relationships: Stan Beeman/Oleg Burov
Comments: 4
Kudos: 8





	what am i doing hangin' 'round?

He tells himself he wanted Nina.

He wanted her, wanted her smooth skin, her pink lips, her round breasts. He wanted her to stay placated and hopeful, so he could get more intel. He wanted her to think he loved him.

So really, he only wanted her to help himself. He'd begun to care for her, sure, but not fucking her. It was a nice distraction, but it was still just a way to do his job. When she died, he mourned her as a friend and co-worker, not a lover.

He tells himself he wanted Sandra.

When he was undercover in Arkansas, she was always on his mind. He wished he could call her, wished he could see Matthew. He just wanted to hear her talk about his school or his hobbies or his friends— and _oh,_ he didn't want her, did he. He wanted a marriage, a son, a perfect family, but not a wife. Not a woman with wants and needs and thoughts and feelings.

Does he want Sandra back because he misses her companionship, or because he misses his family? Stan doesn't want to think about it too hard.

He tells himself he wanted Tori, but he can't even find a way to convince himself of that.

He knows he rebounded with Tori purely because he was supposed to, because Sandra expected it, because he felt he had something to prove. It didn't make him feel better about himself the way he'd hoped.

He tells himself he doesn't want Oleg.

He _can't_ want him. He wants to find his weaknesses, get him on their side, convince him to spill information.

But in his heart, he knows Oleg will never be useful. He's bright, clever, and charming. Honestly, Stan wouldn't be surprised if Oleg was planning to turn him.

It (probably) wouldn't work, if he did. 

When he thinks about love, as he's done so often lately, he tries to remember Sandra's big brown eyes, Nina's round nose, the way both of them felt so delicate underneath him, the memories running together. He tries to think about smooth skin, soft jaws, and gentle curves. He loves those things, he thinks. Every single man he knows does, anyway, so he ought to too.

He doesn't think about a man's hard muscles. He ignores the impulse, the allure of hair and sweat and deep groans.

He doesn't think about a certain face, one with a sly smirk and a square jaw.

He doesn't think about a particular Russian man sinking to his knees in the dead of night.

Stan can't want it, no more than he has to. He only wants it _because_ he has to, to maintain a good relationship with an important Soviet spy.

Not that he was asked to, or that it has any real impact. In fact, if he told his superiors (except for Gaad, maybe, who's hardly "superior" in any sense of the word) that this was happening, he'd be out of a job and possibly in prison. 

It's a perfect reason to stop, honestly. Oleg could never tell anyone— too much was at stake for himself, the son of a diplomat, to be outed. Stan couldn't tell, and Oleg knew it. A harmless out, a way to pretend nothing ever happened.

Stan can't do it.

He thinks about losing Oleg's touch on his face, his clumsy Russian lessons in the form of hushed cursing, the gentle way Oleg pulls his hair, and he knows if he ever has to give it up, he'll break in two.

He's got time, he thinks. Months, at least. Weeks?

He decides not to think about it, to show up to Oleg's place and melt into his touch and make his own mind go blank instead.

Maybe when he wakes up in the morning, it will all be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> pls leave a comment if u liked it?????? this was meant to be pure smut cuz idk about this dynamic but i got In My Feels  
> title from the Monkees song of the same name. it is about being heterosexual and from texas but it just Felt Right for these dumb gay spies. don't judge me it slaps give it a spin


End file.
